Question #36
“How do you maintain your friendships?”
Dear SP,
In my early twenties I realized that if I wanted good friendships, I’d have to be a good friend. So now I work on actively being a good friend in a few different ways.
Intentionally spending time together. If a friend lives relatively nearby, I’ll try to see them pretty regularly. Once I’ve realized that it’s been several months since we’ve seen each other, I reach out to suggest brunch/dinner/etc so that we can spend some time together. For friends that live further away, we’ll do a phone call, or zoom, or text check-in. Recently, I’ve started making a loose agenda for meet-ups, so that I remember to ask about or follow up on things that have been happening.
Reaching out in the moment. If I think of a friend, I’ll usually reach out right away, even if that means scheduling a text message to send at a more reasonable time. If it’s during the evening (like 5-9ish) I’ll actually call them on the phone to hear their voice and see how they are doing. (Unless they are not a phone call person, then I text or voice note.) Also, if I know it’s their birthday, or they are starting a new job, or just having a hard time, I’ll send a card or a gift as a way to show my support.
Holding space for life. One of the best things for my friendships has been letting go of the media ideal of what friendship is, because that’s not real life. This means not expecting my friendships to look a certain way — my friends will probably never plan me a surprise birthday party because I’m way too type A for that lol. A lot of my friends have young children, so they have less capacity to initiate contact. I’ve learned not to assign meaning to me usually being the person to reach out. If I want to spend time with someone, I will let them know that.
Lasting friendships are not automatic, there is some effort required, even for a friendship that feels effortless. But effort also doesn’t have to be a giant thing, it can be as simple as: “Hey, I thought about you today. How are you doing?”
