Big Sister Advice #4

Starting this year, in addition to the Q & A, I’ll offer you some general words of wisdom, or stuff to think about, as you find helpful.

On Boundaries

They’ve been trending over the past few years, so let’s talk a bit about boundaries! I’m pretty sure that I didn’t know about boundaries as a concept until my late twenties, but as it turns out, I knew what they were in practice.

I read somewhere that boundaries allow you space to be in relationship with someone. An example of this might be that you have a friend who you love dearly, except when they drink. So you decide, I won’t be around you when you are drinking. This allows you to still spend quality time and share experiences with your friend, just not any that involve alcohol.

Here’s my biggest thing that I’ve learned about boundaries: Boundaries are for you. They are about what you will do in certain situations. They are not meant to control the behavior of others (those are rules), but instead boundaries help you decide in advance how you’d like to respond when others do things that you do not like, or that hurt you, etc.

People who benefitted from you not having boundaries will not be happy when you implement them. You might feel guilty about it too. Those are totally normal reactions to a big change. But one thing I want you to think about whenever you have to introduce a new boundary is this: do you feel at peace when it is enforced? For example, if you say that you won’t answer the phone after 10pm, do you feel more peaceful when your DND goes on at that time?

I think a lot of the time, when we have to take a new action, like setting a new boundary, we often approach it from the perspective of what do you want to do? But maybe what you need to reflect on in this moment is, “How do I want to feel?”