Big Sister Advice #5

Starting this year, in addition to the Q & A, I’ll offer you some general words of wisdom, or stuff to think about, as you find helpful.

On People-Pleasing

Here’s the thing about people pleasing: People will always want more from you. If your goal is to make everyone happy all the time, to make everyone like you, it will require you to lose yourself. And even then, there will be times that people will not be pleased with something that you’ve said or done.

You’re doing harm to yourself by trying to fit yourself into the box created by others, especially when it’s hypothetical people that you don’t even know. When you center your life around making those around you happy, what happens to you when those people are no longer there? You’ve shrunk and shrunk and disappeared into the what you think everyone else wants, and then your parent pass away, or the relationship ends, or you get laid off from your job, and you realize that you have left nothing of you for yourself. You spend so much time catering to the needs others that when you finally have time on your own, you don’t know how you like your eggs.

So here are some ways to help you make your way out of people-pleasing:

Figure out yourself. What do you want? What do you like? What do you think is the best thing to do?

Practice setting tiny boundaries for yourself. For example, saying “I won’t answer the phone in the middle of reading my book. I can return their call when I’m finished with this chapter.” Or saying, “I don’t like when you call me Beth. That name is reserved for family. Please call me Elizabeth.”

Ask for help. Ask an honest and trusted friend or family member for their help. “I’m trying to be better about standing up for myself. Can you help me identify when I’m shrinking?”