Question #5
“When will I feel like an adult?”
Dear M,
The short answer is, you never will, and you already do. (If you think this isn’t true, hang out with some 13-year-olds.) It’s hard to feel like an adult when you don’t feel like you have it all together. But the secret of adulthood is this: none of us really know what we’re doing! We’re all just figuring it out one day at a time.
I’ve felt like an adult to varying degrees throughout my young adulthood, but I think it was about when I turned 30 that I finally felt completely like an adult. I think sometimes it takes some experience doing adulty things that helps us feel like we’re all grown up. The traditional adult path that we watched in TV and movies, and that was established by our parents and elders before us has been completely upended. So, in order to feel like an adult, you have to take stock of what you think being an adult is.
Here are some things that you could use to remind yourself of all the ways that you have blossomed and bloomed in your adulthood:
Making a big life decision, like moving to a new city, state, or country
Learning how to be the best version of yourself
Healing from a hurtful experience
Choosing your own healthcare providers
Being recognized for your skills and talents
Traveling solo
Navigating difficult emotions without having a complete meltdown
Speaking up for yourself in a difficult or scary situation
Having a full-time job
Having a job in your chosen career
Having a job is a good match for your skills and talents
Starting a business
Making a big purchase by yourself
Making a big purchase with a significant other
Becoming a parent
Becoming a caregiver
Being in a healthy long-term relationship
None of these things can make you an adult, but they are all adult things to do. Think about what you might be able to add to this list that reflects a time when you felt really adulty. For some of us, we did those things before we were adults, which make it hard to define what the line is for when we are truly grown. And remember, there will still be times that you won’t feel like you should be in charge of yourself or anyone else, that’s totally normal too! That doesn’t mean that you aren’t a fully-realized adult human.
