Question #4:
“How do I combat self-sabotage?”
Dear Q,
Usually we self-sabotage because out of fear: fear of success, fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of change, the list goes on. (Self-sabotage is where we do things, deliberately or not, that prevent us from achieving success or accomplishing our goals.) I can offer you three keys to combat self-sabotage, which are to recognize, reflect, reframe.
Recognize: As with anything else, the first step to combatting self-sabotage is to recognize that you’re doing it. This requires you to mentally (and sometimes physically) take a step back and notice that you are doing something that is to your own detriment. Are you procrastinating? Spending time with people who are not good for you? Avoiding something that could be wonderful?
Reflect: Once you’ve recognized that you’re self-sabotaging, the next step is to reflect on why you’re doing it. What is the story that you are telling yourself in this situation? What is it that you’re afraid of?
Reframe: This is the part where you tell yourself a new story about what it means for you to succeed, or, to want to succeed.
For example, you notice that whenever you meet a new person that you like, who might be a potential romantic partner, you reach out to your toxic ex. On reflecting, you realize that you’re scared of being hurt by someone new, so you seek out something familiar. Or maybe you worry that you’re not good enough for this wonderful new person, so you go back to the person who treats you horribly, because deep down, you think that’s what you deserve. To tell yourself a new story, you might say to yourself, “I don’t have to be afraid of starting a relationship with someone new because my past relationship(s) was (were) unhealthy. As I learn and grow, I am worthy of love that also learns and grows. No matter what happens, this new person is not the same as the old person, and also, I have new tools to help me navigate this relationship.”
