Question #32
“How do I navigate the holidays with difficult family members?”
Dear SC,
The tough thing about spending time with those that you love is that sometimes, these are also people that you do not like. Family relationships are so complex and the holidays tend to bring out some of the more difficult aspects of family dynamics. It's okay to have complicated feelings about being with family over the holidays, and it's also okay to adjust your plan of action and your expectations of family holidays. Here are some suggestions for ways to navigate some of the more challenging moments this holiday season.
Sometimes, you have to be an iron fist in a velvet glove. If you have a family member that is always low-key insulting you, it's okay to gently tell them to stop. Something like a blank stare, or saying “Did you think it was okay to say that out loud?” or”Why would you say that to me?” can be effective in shutting down the behavior. Sometimes you can respond to, “So you can't take a joke?” with something like, “I haven't heard anything funny yet” if you want to get a lil spicy. Your loved ones can forget sometimes that you're actually an adult, and are allowed to stand up for yourself.
Sometimes you have to be Stevie to the B.S. That is to say, just ignore some stuff going on with family. If this is ground you've all previously trod, save your blood pressure and avoid the argument by being blind and deaf to some of the problematic things happening around you, as long as nobody is in actual imminent danger. If there's something that needs to be addressed, you can decide to address it later, when you've had time to compose your thoughts and plan what you want to say.
Sometimes you have to miss out. This is super hard to decide to do, and to actually do. Sometimes the best way to love your loved ones is from a distance. Maybe that's getting your own hotel or Airbnb instead of staying at the house, or planning a shorter visit, or not going altogether. This doesn't have to be a permanent decision, you can decide in the future that you're ready to come back to attending family events.
Regardless of your decisions, I'm proud of you for recognizing that your family can be a source of pain, and wanting to make a change. I'm hoping for wonderful holidays for you, and peace when spending time with your folks.
