Question #12
“How do I build a group of friends who I know will hold me accountable and have my back?”
Dear A,
I want to respond to this question in parts, like diagramming a sentence.
First, “build a group of friends”. I don’t have a cohesive friend group per se, but I do have people who are friends who all love me and get along with each other. This works because I’ve built individual relationships with all of my people, and we share many of the same values. In turn, I introduce them to other friends with similar temperaments and interests.
In my early twenties, I wanted to have good friendships like people that I saw that seemed to have these #squadgoals kinds of relationships with each other. Since the only thing I have control over in a friendship is myself, I set out on a quest to be a better friend. I showed up for people. I considered their feelings. I remembered things that were important to them. By showing up as a good friend, I was able to build good friendships. They aren’t the tv friendships where we live in the same building, or have movie dates every weekend, but they are meaningful and work for the people in the friendship.
Second, “I know will hold me accountable”. In order for your friends to hold you accountable, you have to ask them to do that. Sometimes, we mention things to our friends, expecting that they will know that we want them to remind us that we said we would or would not do something, but never actually ask them to do that. If you want your friends to ask you when you see them, “How is reading every day going?” tell them, “I want to read more this year. Can you hold me accountable?”
On the other hand, it helps to know which friends have the capacity to hold space for you in this way. If your friend has 3584 things going on in their own life and can barely remember to text you back in this season, asking them to hold you accountable to something probably is not reasonable. Similarly, you may have a friend who might be a bit too zealous in the whole accountability thing and it ends up being more like harassment. But friendships are relationships, and relationships require vulnerability, and that includes asking people to show up for you in specific ways.
Finally, “have my back”. The thing is, you don’t have control over whether people will have your back, you just have to trust that they do. That being said, if you want people to have your back, you have to give them the chance to show up for you. There’s that vulnerability part again. Trust a little bit, and when that works out well, trust a little bit more.
